Look! That's inside of me! This photo was taken during my first scan of this pregnancy at about eight weeks along. As excited as Tim and I were to see this little one and hear the heart beating, we were also very nervous and I was prayerfully fighting the familiar sadness and fear that came with returning to the midwife's office. You see, the last time I had been there everything was similar, but I left knowing I was in the process of having a miscarriage.
During my short first pregnancy I was so excited and just could not wait to meet my baby due February 6, 2020. So when I suddenly didn't feel pregnant anymore during my ninth week, I was nervous and a bit sad but I had no reason to believe anything was truly wrong. Then at week ten, or so I thought, the midwife confirmed that my developing baby had only lived for eight weeks and I was beginning the process of passing the remaining fetal tissues.
Getting to be pregnant again has been a mixed emotional journey. Early on it was rare that I felt excited or hopeful for this baby to thrive because I was feeling really stuck in fear of losing this one too. When I was pregnant before I took pictures of my belly every single week even though it wasn't getting any bigger yet! This time around I didn't take a single photo until my sisters asked me to do so around week 16. (Shout out to Rachel, Lizzy, and Mary for celebrating with me!)
Today I'm nineteen weeks pregnant and so grateful to have come this far. I thank God for the many pregnancy discomforts that persist and for every little kick and roll my little one does because I know I'm still pregnant! Though I haven't doubted God's goodness, I have been more hesitant to trust that I can bear what he may have in store for me because my miscarriage felt impossible to endure. But I do see fear giving way to love and hope and, as always, my God has been my strength.
In an effort to pursue my own wellness, I took some much needed restoration-focused time abiding in the Lord. I continued seeing my counselor every week, I leaned on friends and family, I admitted fears and doubts, I looked for hope and practiced gratitude, I left space for myself to feel whatever emotions came up and freedom for myself not to feel what emotions were oddly absent. And I took a break -- from social media, from challenging relationships, and from some types of work.
I'm excited again, by the way! Our baby registry is done and we're planning showers and trying to settle on possible names. I'm so pleased to say that, by God's grace, I'm hopeful and actively planning to welcome this baby in Summer 2020.
How have you took time out for wellness lately? If you haven't recently done so, I certainly recommend taking a break, whatever that looks like for you!